We had been there only 21 minutes when it began.
Everything was fine, aside from the warm rain forcing everyone inside, and I was sitting in the kitchen of my friend Jolene, who was preparing lunch for the kids during a playdate. Then we heard it. A wail, and then someone yelled “It was mine first! Give it! It’s mine!” More wailing.
I had a feeling one of my children were involved in this altercation. And then I saw her. My three year old, Stephanie, streaked past the kitchen and disappeared around the corner clutching an armful of toys screaming in a crazed frenzy, “MIIIIINE!” Jolene’s 4 year-old, Lauren, ran past in hot pursuit of her toy, angry tears in her eyes. I felt my ears get warm as I rose from my chair.
You have been there. Suddenly your eye begins to twitch because you know you will be breaking up the first of 647 fights over kid property. Who had what first, who gets it, and what’s not fair. Voices will be raised, doors will slam, and then there will be quiet at last. For at least 10 minutes. And for stay at home moms, it is like this all day long. Knowing how to survive this is often a matter of knowing when Daddy is coming home.
But the resolution of this particular disagreement was as simple as the answer to one question “Whose toy is it?” The toy was returned to the owner, Jolene’s little girl, Lauren.
But then a strange thing happened. Once the toy was returned, Lauren turned around and gave it right back to my Stephanie. “You can pway wif it, Steffnie.” And she turned around and happily skipped back to the playroom.
I learned something new. That moment at Jolene’s sparked a revolution in our house. I embarked on a mission to begin to teach and train my girls the value of generosity through stewardship.
Siblings who share. It doesn’t happen easily. But it CAN happen in your home.
So how do you teach your kids to share? How do you avoid the embarrassment during the lovely play-date at a new friend’s house? The answer will sound utterly ridiculous, but it will work.
Allow each child the option NOT to share.
That sounds alarming, but within a certain atmosphere, you can turn compulsory externally driven sharing into an inner willingness to be generous.
Many of us run our homes with the mindset of “everything belongs to everyone”, and we all learn to share equally. So, the rule thumb becomes, whoever lays claim on an item first wins it, until they put it down with the intent of moving on to something else.
This mindset, however, increases hording, protectionism and decreases attitudes of generosity. How can you share something that is not yours? If it doesn’t belong to anyone, naturally, your first goal is to acquire it, not share it. Humans are just like that.
However, if you are secure in your ownership of the item, then your first goal can be to share, because you do not need to strive to acquire – that has already been settled. (This is true for adults as well). We can help our children know what is theirs; to enjoy, care for, and share with others -- whether it be their toys or their talents and abilities.
Lay the Foundation
- Settle the issue of ownership for your children, so they don’t have to. In our house, all the toys belong to mom and dad, and can be removed if not managed well.
- Divide all the toys based on your own idea of who would benefit from it the most – NOT based on an idea of numerical fairness (who has how many).
- Introduce the concept of stewardship or management. We give toys to our kids for enjoyment but they also have responsibility to care for them. In our house, each child was assigned toys for whom mom and dad felt would provide the most enjoyment and reasonable responsibility. The child s dubbed the “Manager” (or whatever word you want to use) of said toy.
- Provide separate storage for some of each child’s toys.
- Begin teaching your children about the value and positive results of generosity. Be sure to do this when they are not fighting. Anger inhibits absorption of information by the brain, so teach at a time when the most can be absorbed – when everyone is happy and relaxed. (Great kid books about the subject are “The Selfish Giant” by Oscar Wilde, or “The Giving Tree” by Shel Silverstein)
When Fights Do Occur, Remain Consistent to Foundation
So, when you hear the fight begin, it becomes much easier to settle – even if not always happily – and always seems fair.
- Remind them of the assigned manager. To whom does this toy belong? Then it gets returned to him or her.
- Then give the manager an opportunity for generosity. “Would you like to share your toy with sister?” Amazingly, the security of the toy being “theirs” seems to make them more apt to be willing to share it.
What if they still won’t share?
There is no doubt about it, humans are humans. And that means imperfect. We can be selfish, self-centered, and just plain mean. Every person – our children included – can choose not to share. You, as parent, can choose as you deem necessary to either externally enforce it (sometimes necessary) or explain and allow the child to experience longer term natural events and results to help shape their view of generosity (e.g. no one wants to share with them because they don’t share).
In either case, we have a responsibility to help use circumstances to teach and train ongoing life lessons regarding generosity and stinginess, being compassionate toward others, and being self-centered. In our house, my kids know that if anyone gets a reputation for being miserly, it is likely that that person will receive fewer opportunities to have new things, as this is the lesson that life often teaches us.
Better they learn it from us, because when the world teaches its lessons it is often much more harsh than we are in our loving daily classroom.
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