Kid Property: Getting Siblings to Share

We had been there only 21 minutes when it began.

Everything was fine, aside from the warm rain forcing everyone inside, and I was sitting in the kitchen of my friend Jolene, who was preparing lunch for the kids during a playdate. Then we heard it. A wail, and then someone yelled “It was mine first! Give it! It’s mine!” More wailing.

I had a feeling one of my children were involved in this altercation. And then I saw her. My three year old, Stephanie, streaked past the kitchen and disappeared around the corner clutching an armful of toys screaming in a crazed frenzy, “MIIIIINE!” Jolene’s 4 year-old, Lauren, ran past in hot pursuit of her toy, angry tears in her eyes. I felt my ears get warm as I rose from my chair.

You have been there. Suddenly your eye begins to twitch because you know you will be breaking up the first of 647 fights over kid property. Who had what first, who gets it, and what’s not fair. Voices will be raised, doors will slam, and then there will be quiet at last. For at least 10 minutes. And for stay at home moms, it is like this all day long. Knowing how to survive this is often a matter of knowing when Daddy is coming home.

But the resolution of this particular disagreement was as simple as the answer to one question “Whose toy is it?” The toy was returned to the owner, Jolene’s little girl, Lauren.

But then a strange thing happened. Once the toy was returned, Lauren turned around and gave it right back to my Stephanie. “You can pway wif it, Steffnie.” And she turned around and happily skipped back to the playroom.

I learned something new. That moment at Jolene’s sparked a revolution in our house. I embarked on a mission to begin to teach and train my girls the value of generosity through stewardship.

Siblings who share. It doesn’t happen easily. But it CAN happen in your home.

So how do you teach your kids to share? How do you avoid the embarrassment during the lovely play-date at a new friend’s house? The answer will sound utterly ridiculous, but it will work.

Allow each child the option NOT to share.

That sounds alarming, but within a certain atmosphere, you can turn compulsory externally driven sharing into an inner willingness to be generous.

Many of us run our homes with the mindset of “everything belongs to everyone”, and we all learn to share equally. So, the rule thumb becomes, whoever lays claim on an item first wins it, until they put it down with the intent of moving on to something else.

This mindset, however, increases hording, protectionism and decreases attitudes of generosity. How can you share something that is not yours? If it doesn’t belong to anyone, naturally, your first goal is to acquire it, not share it. Humans are just like that.

However, if you are secure in your ownership of the item, then your first goal can be to share, because you do not need to strive to acquire – that has already been settled. (This is true for adults as well). We can help our children know what is theirs; to enjoy, care for, and share with others -- whether it be their toys or their talents and abilities.

Lay the Foundation

• Settle the issue of ownership for your children, so they don’t have to. In our house, all the toys belong to mom and dad, and can be removed if not managed well.

• Divide all the toys based on your own idea of who would benefit from it the most – NOT based on an idea of numerical fairness (who has how many).

• Introduce the concept of stewardship or management. We give toys to our kids for enjoyment but they also have responsibility to care for them. In our house, each child was assigned toys for whom mom and dad felt would provide the most enjoyment and reasonable responsibility. The child s dubbed the “Manager” (or whatever word you want to use) of said toy.

• Provide separate storage for some of each child’s toys.

• Begin teaching your children about the value and positive results of generosity. Be sure to do this when they are not fighting. Anger inhibits absorption of information by the brain, so teach at a time when the most can be absorbed – when everyone is happy and relaxed. (Great kid books about the subject are “The Selfish Giant” by Oscar Wilde, or “The Giving Tree” by Shel Silverstein)

When Fights Do Occur, Remain Consistent to Foundation

So, when you hear the fight begin, it becomes much easier to settle – even if not always happily – and always seems fair.

• Remind them of the assigned manager. To whom does this toy belong? Then it gets returned to him or her.
• Then give the manager an opportunity for generosity. “Would you like to share your toy with sister?” Amazingly, the security of the toy being “theirs” seems to make them more apt to be willing to share it.

What if they still won’t share?

There is no doubt about it, humans are humans. And that means imperfect. We can be selfish, self-centered, and just plain mean. Every person – our children included – can choose not to share. You, as parent, can choose as you deem necessary to either externally enforce it (sometimes necessary) or explain and allow the child to experience longer term natural events and results to help shape their view of generosity (e.g. no one wants to share with them because they don’t share).

In either case, we have a responsibility to help use circumstances to teach and train ongoing life lessons regarding generosity and stinginess, being compassionate toward others, and being self-centered. In our house, my kids know that if anyone gets a reputation for being miserly, it is likely that that person will receive fewer opportunities to have new things, as this is the lesson that life often teaches us.

Better they learn it from us, because when the world teaches its lessons it is often much more harsh than we are in our loving daily classroom.

Easy Easy Packing for Kids

I am sure this is not new. In fact, I cant believe that I haven’t heard it before! I discovered a fantastic new way to pack for my kids! When we were traveling to Canada, having to pack for three kids was a chore I was not looking forward to. Living out of suitcases with kids is just not fun. Digging for socks, trying to find the shirt that matched the little pink corduroy pants, and where is that sweater we need for those chilly mornings? The bags were always a crumpled mess within hours of arrival at the hotel.

So what did I do this time? Duh. I packed outfits together instead of all shirts, pants, etc. separately. Laying everything flat, I put a sweater or sweatshirt down, then the shirt, then slacks or skirt then underwear and socks. Once laid one on top the other, I folded the sleeves down on top of everything, then folded the pant legs up on top of that, then rolled the whole outfit into a large burrito. Voila! I even made pajama outfit rolls with underwear and everything rolled up together.

Several outfit rolls, a couple pair of shoes, and 3 little rolling suitcases later, each child was packed!

Now, that wasn’t the best part. The BEST part was how easy it was to get everyone dressed! I simply took out a roll of clothes, and got that child dressed. No hunting for the right shirt. No wondering if I remembered the tights that went with that denim skirt. It was a BREEZE.
I am *this* close to doing this at home in their dressers. The only thing stopping me is wanting to develop a sense of creativity in their clothing choices.

So that’s it! Easy easy easy. I wish I’d done this forever ago!

My horrific fabulous vacation

It all started with the booking of our Canadian hotel, and the realization that my passport had expired, plus I had a name change during that time and could not find our marriage certificate. I ran around to every government office in a 2 county area, and then was finally told how to get around that. Whew.

We packed 2 days early (I discovered a FABULOUS new way to pack for the girls! I’ll post that later). We thought we were ready, but of course, were still running around packing last minute stuff 5 minutes after we were supposed to have left to catch the ferry to Sydney. Pitch black at 5am, the girls were still dead asleep. The plan? At the very last minute, scoop them out of bed, go potty, wrap them in blankets and throw them in the van hoping they’d fall back to sleep or stay sleeping.

No such luck.

At the last minute, I scooped up Kathryn, went potty, and she was still sleeping. So far so good. I ran out the door with her wrapped in her fuzzy blue blanket, and was smiling to myself that this actually might work. Then, not sure what happened, but my foot caught the front step funny, my foot went one way and my body went the other. I remember thinking on the way down that I wouldn’t be able to totally protect Kathryn, and sure enough, I somehow flipped so she landed mostly on top of me, but not quite enough. Her head hit the concrete and the pain receptors hit my brain simultaneously. We laid there on the walkway crying for a minute before Gerry heard us and came out to help us up. I was mostly crying because I had dropped my daughter…what a horrible feeling.

So, now 30 minutes late, some ice packs, Tylenol and lots of soothing and answering sweet questions from Stephanie (”Did you fall down, mama? Do you have an owie? Can I kiss it?”), we decided to head out the door. It might not be so bad. We could always turn around. Maybe we’d just take a ferry ride.

By the time we got to the ferry, we could see with relief that Kathryn didn’t even have a bump. She had some expected emotional scars (Gerry still laughs at me because she still doesn’t quite trust me to carry her! Not sure what we’ll say to her therapist when she’s 25…), but was physically ok. Me on the other hand, had a baseball where my ankle used to be, and a knee that would not stop bleeding.

But determined to VACATION, dangit, we kept forging forward, hoping for the best.
The hotel suite was fabulous - right on the harbor, with all the amenities we needed. We had decided not to bring a ton of food with us like we always do, and just go out to eat. We had to rethink that plan when not a few hours later, everything went black. Yup. Black out. Four cities wide. No restaurants were cooking. No heat. Apparently no generators to be found. And no hot water. Since it was rapidly getting dark, we got the girls ready for bed while we could still see where our luggage was. Thanksgiving dinner (we were in Canada) must have been interesting for local families!

Gerry and I looked at each other and laughed out loud. What a vacation! We ate snacks from the car, read stories to the girls until it was too dark to see, then went to bed.
The lights eventually clicked back on, I continued to ice my ankle, and the next day Gerry took the girls to the Bug Zoo and Miniature World. I stayed in the suite, relaxed and read a novel for the first time in … I can’t remember. We ALL had a great day!

Even though the swelling was still pretty fierce, we thought we’d stay through Tuesday and then ferry home. We went to the petting zoo. Closed! The train rides. Closed! The Planetarium. Closed! What the?!? Turns out, most activities for the kids were closed for the season the day after Canadian Thanksgiving. So we freaked Stephanie out at seemingly the only thing open — the Butterfly Sanctuary (she thought she was being attacked by these huge flocks of gorgeous butterflies swarming around), and went home. (Just wait till you see the pictures of her — hilarious!)

After all that, guess where the kids had THE most fun? At a local park. Swings, slides, seesaw. Just like at home.

We missed the ferry (it was full), so took another. Finally late Wednesday evening, we got home and back into our own beds.

We recounted the amazing way that God protected us, and how he blessed us with our family. Through it all, we laughed, made jokes, and made what could have been a really miserable time into something really fun and memorable. I am now convinced more than ever that whether or not the time we spend together is fun or agony COMPLETELY depends on us. We can experience the most annoying circumstances, and still find ways to enjoy one another.
I thank God for the blessing of my kids who just had fun as long as we were having fun, and my husband, who joined me on our vacation to Crazy, and returned with our senses still intact.